Is it the Internet, or Just Me?

Pretty sure my last post was negative… In fact, my last several “reveries” (imaginary postings) all had me updating that my “time of the month” arrived within the following 24 hours. Probably no justification to most people, but for me a perfect valid explanation.

And today? Not vicious, just found myself full of self doubts.

I put myself forward.

Decided awhile back not to look back at this holiday season with regrets of not having shown love to friends, so finally got to baking the day before Thanksgiving.  Made a huge list just from browsing the “A”s in our ward directory, then actually delivered to the nearest neighbors…

Baked for our own family’s Thanksgiving, sending trays of bread out to in-laws and keeping the underbaked and overbaked pans for our own party.

Guilt for providing nothing but bread.  Familiar awkwardness of still not knowing all the relatives’ names after 30+ years of marriage.   Made fudge… enlisted niece and daughter to beat it…

Never set… Added cream and cooked it again… Two daughters and a niece helped beat it…  Success…

Walked to the beach and out on the wall with husband, loving the cool breeze from across the water.  Eldest daughter, middle (expectant) daughter and her husband surprised us by showing up with our ride home.

Sum total, less stress than most Thanksgivings, and probably from having focused on others the day before…

So, back to today’s emotions.  Did more baking the day after Thanksgiving.  Sent it out with the girls to drop off en route to Black Friday sales.

Texted people to let them know… I think that’s when the doubts started.  ? Is bread even a valid holiday offering?  Am I wasting my money buying all these little foil pans destined for the trash?

Making cinnamon rolls today.  Will the people who got plain bread find out and be jealous?  What if the cinnamon roll recipients are diabetic, or on diets?

Maybe I should just wrap them all individually and freeze them for my own family? At least I know whoever eats them will do it by choice…

Watched a Netflix show last month.  – They claimed research showing that more people will approve of a post containing a genuinely happy announcement of an accomplishment over one with false modesty or insecurity, so I would be wise to delete this entire post about having baked bread…

Genuinely joyous moments are rare, and so hard to recall once gloomy thought clouds begin to cluster…

Adding my latest sketch work – just because… (I haven’t worked on any in over a month… maybe posting it will help me refocus… again…)

ElderHappyIMG_2055

Advertisements

Familiar Foggy Aimlessness (light fog)

Not sure exactly…  Well, about to opine on the lost week, then realized it’s not Friday and I’m not out of time…

For what, exactly?

Had hoped to work on 3rd dress… then sort of thought I may like painting again, if given the chance.

… Daughter-in-law just left to Laie with her girls, giving me unexpected freedom.  That is the point, I guess… What do I wish to accomplish with this surprise gift of time?

… Damper – clock isn’t stopping, and husband and I have a 4 pm commitment to accompany missionaries to a “quit smoking” lesson.

The reason I “journal” – whether online or on paper, is just as often to try and free up my emotions as much as (or even more than) to actually record history.  So, here goes again…

Feel?  Lacking, wanting… like I should be more, do more, count for more… (yes,.. a bit pathetic)

Fear?  That I’m a fake… Husband asked, in response to a routine exchange of “I love you”s… “Do you, really?”…  I of course, answered, “Yes, I really do.”

… And then, instantly, questioned my own sincerity and, of course, added a whole ton of qualifiers… (to myself):  “As long as one can love anyone one almost never has a deep conversation with, or if being willing to wait for a long long long time until something big happens that we support each other through counts as love…”

…”If being willing to not look for a substitute to fill the void that is our mid-life version of romantic love counts as love…”

Want?  I’d like my eyes to be less goopy, and my head/eyes/sinuses to be so clear that I could forget they were ever an issue.  I would love that, until I forgot to be grateful for it…

Feel?  Like the scummy shower, filmy toilet and odiferous floor in the bathroom represent me and my resentful attitude.  I just want to do what I want to do – eat when I’m hungry, sleep when I’m tired, paint and sew when I want, and play with grand babies when they want.

Maybe that is it.  Maybe it is time to do the yucky stuff again so I can look people in the eye without shame.  Right now, though, my brain tells me that, even though I may clean it now, I will still know who I am – that dirty person who doesn’t come by cleanliness naturally.

Hmm…

Want?  Not sure.  Think I’ll go lie down again until I find an aim.

Screen Shot 2018-11-01 at 1.06.24 PM

Hoping that writing now will minimize tossing and turning when I retire to bed…

Sort of odd day.  Tried so hard to time my bread making so as to get up the hill to borrow the oven, then finish in time to drop it off on my way to choir practice (which I had conveniently forgotten unit last night’s reminder text)…

I was in my element… measured precisely, mixed perfectly… But somehow my second batch of dough ended up without any yeast!

Sort of salvaged it by dissolving yeast, water, and a little more sugar and flour, kneading it in, then letting it rise a few more times…

Threw my timing back by about 40 minutes… ended up with the semblance of bread, but not the delicious miracle that someone might want to stash away for later.

Not really worried about the bread failure.  Just worried about youngest son and his wife.  Echos of dissatisfaction…

Would so like to lock them away for a few years of psych treatment and marriage counseling…  Honestly, though… must be every woman’s fantasy to have someone coaching her husband to actually look at and listen to her.

Problem is when she finally realizes she maybe doesn’t come out as all that appealing under the close inspection she’s been so desperately craving.

I really don’t know enough to even worry effectively.  Guess I’ll keep them in my prayers and leave it up to Him who guided my own path through 31 years of marriage.

Testimony meeting at church today was surprisingly nice.  I wondered a few times if maybe I should get up, since the was pure energy in the air, but everyone else must have felt it, too, because there was no lack of passionate speakers.

Probably the most surprising testimonies was from a young man who has been “investigating” for almost a year now.  One can never tell what random thing he might put out there.  Today was as random as ever, but he started talking about loving people, and telling them so before they die… and about how, if he had been there when Christ (was crucified, I inferred)… he couldn’t have just stood by and let it happen…

Anyhow, despite his lack of focus, I felt a huge, sweet, overwhelming feeling that the Holy   Ghost was in the chapel, and that God loved this man and the rest of us along with him.

My all-too-common reflexive concern over whether or not people would lose patience did no more than whisper ‘present’… Hopefully the majority of us were simply and gratefully acknowledging the beauty of the moment.

I think I may be able to sleep now.

Close Encounters of the Human Kind

🙂  Sounds exciting, I know, but I think my brain was just feeling a bit whimsical while mulling over yesterday’s many self-doubts.

A bit embarrassed – abashed, actually.  I go along thinking of myself as this real, normal (whatever that is) human, with oh-so-human weaknesses and yet an awareness of them that allows me to, for the most part, mask them….

Then, because someone deigns to compliment me on my children, or actually anything I have done or said… Well, the gracious but loquacious font of all wisdom comes out and spouts advice like a broken fire hydrant!

Two social events yesterday:  An Eagle Scout project, where we helped paint stairs at a local high school, and a baby shower for our former bishop’s daughter-in-law.

I really don’t like having tapes of uncomfortable situations replaying in my mind.  I guess  that is where journaling helps so much… in allowing me to address them and, hopefully, put them to rest.

Does it work?…Addressing them, I mean?… I actually vented a bit to my husband on the drive home…

I just know I, who have come to think of myself as slow to be offended (at least, I am a vocal advocate of these things…)… try to avoid reading minds, and if I do read minds, try to imagine something good, or at least that gives the mind owner the benefit of the doubt…

So…  We were painting.  In the past, I have painted a few rooms and have done a bit of research on tips and techniques.  Plus, I stenciled a few t-shirts (well, maybe 1 1/2), and remember the technique because it was so hard to finally get right..

I was just bursting with advice, which I for the most part contained… I guess, too, with random thoughts of how taping would be so useful (already decided against to curb cost), how things should be covered to prevent skin forming on the quick-drying paint.

I suggested covering the bucket… the response was, “That’ll be fine.”  I didn’t know if he meant it would be fine to cover it, or if it would be fine the way it was… (the latter).

I don’t even recall the exact other moments of irritation, but most had to do with wondering who, if anyone, was actually qualified to be in charge of quality control, and with thinking I read flickers of annoyance on the faces of people who just couldn’t stand advice…

Worse, the realization that I, in offering even small observations or suggestions, was breaking my own adopted counsel that unsolicited advice is actually a form of criticism.

The people I was working with are part of my church family.  In my mind I love them.  I don’t like situations that make me uncomfortable and aren’t conducive to my ideal.  Guess it’s the same with my own family.  That’s why I only socialize for limited amounts of time before needing to rest, reassess and reset…

Feels like a very long post, but going to sum up the baby shower “thing.”

I was fine, protected by my own daughter-in-law and hanai son and wife, at our own table…

… Until closer to the close of the evening… I was either walking around entertaining my grandson, or helping clear off tables…

Somehow I ended up chatting with a young mother… she is buying a new home and moving out of her rental in two weeks… Advised to pack for a 2 week trip and live out of suitcases in order to pack and let be all the other belongings… A good start (yes, I know, advice = criticism?)

She liked that advice… hmmm… conversation turned to being a stay-at-home mom, preschool… How everyone has a comment on how we must be rich, or lazy (different words, of course)…  My experience with kids getting awards in school and my magic secret? – You got it, staying home with them!

I’m sure I dished out too much advice, but… wait for it…

Another young mother (with many children close in age)… on her way out… complimenting me on my adult children, and how well they get along and stick together even now…

Tears in her eyes, expressing her hopes for her own children…

I totally went into panic mode, spouting as much advice as I could think of… (Read some books, make treating each other kindly more important than doing chores)…  Then realized there were other experienced mothers there (starting to bend ears towards our conversation.

Backpedal.  Quickly.  I really didn’t remembered that many details.  I have no real advice to give… Bless your heart, and believe in your little ones!

The night wasn’t over.  On our way out to the car… the very last guests… the expectant father started discussing Hawaiian names with my daughter.  Somewhere in there, I commented on my own children’s names (his friends).  Rain started.  He pretty abruptly ended the conversation, and I had some kind of, “What am I, chopped liver?” emotional reaction.

In my mind, almost every verbal interaction had been almost achingly imperfect and, if invited back, could be food for worrying.

On our drive down to a last-minute trip to the grocery store, I vocalized my discomfort and my daughter laughed as I repeated, “Breathe in, breathe out… leave the past behind me… hakuna matata!”

IMG_8513IMG_3947

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Reverse Sum up…

Doubts. Second, third, 4th guessing myself…  Still happens, no matter that I have acknowledged time and again that the whole process is counter-productive.

T’s okay.  Acknowledge.  Move on.

Would love to sleep.  Considered opening my Book of Mormon… Then considered working on the Archive spreadsheet.  Then realized I have my new computer and haven’t done much journaling.

Guess I still haven’t:)

Backwards:   Watched an old kids’ movie, Kazam.  Went to Foodland and bought some veggies for husband’s pre-bariatric diet.  So many things I didn’t buy because I have no idea how to make them palatable!

Went to Ross’ with daughter, looked at shoes and socks… she picked up a Michael Jordan onesie and a tiny dinosaur print nightie for tomorrow’s baby shower.

Used up over-ripe tomatoes on bagel pizzas for dinner.

Hiked a couple miles and saw a very bright rainbow before heading home just in time for the real downpour. – (iPhone photo un-retouched, Aug 3, 2018)

IMG_1696

About 4 1/2 hours of indexing, and even put some effort into cleaning the shower.

Hmmm… more productive than I thought…

… Some cute grand-baby videos.  Almost ready to actually try to see them, rather than just quietly enjoying my under-the-radar time…

I had headaches for a few days.  Headache gone, but guilt for relief at being alone…  Same old, “I rejected them but feel like they rejected me” – conflicting emotions.

Fear?  Someone will feel unwanted or unloved.  Chest.  Gut..

Want?  Stabilize emotionally.  Get healthy.  Become a more generous person…. Teeth…arms… ? Does that mean I don’t really want that and am stressing at the thought?

Get rest.  Find vitamins.  Get healthy.  The rest will not come without it.

Insomniacal Moping

I DID wash underclothes today, and baked pork chops for dinner.  Had to lead with that, because I honestly felt like I accomplished nothing. nil…

Well, I entered archive index info for around 3 hours, but for some reason that feels like nothing.

So, what would have made me feel prouder?

… Washing dishes, clearing counter… cleaning bathroom.. perhaps even cleaning a car?  Even painting or drawing.

Hours of Lie to Me… A show I have already watched, with sad themes and enough innuendo and edgy language to produce guilt by association.

.. Pretty much told myself I deserved a day off.. a day along, away from the phone..

When will I feel “inspired” to call friends/ assigned sisters to check on them – “minister”?

31st anniversary coming up.  Would love to celebrate with all the kids, but not real keen on cooking/planning the meal.  Not keen on assigning/asking for help, either…

Spent all my $ on self, as always.  Depressing to acknowledge that I could spend so much and not have a decent set-up yet (can’t afford the Creative Cloud yet, and don’t have a decent place to place computer and CINTIQ tablet… Adapter ordered but not here yet…

..

Where is this, “Wo is me..” coming from?  Really wish I could just sleep and wake up feeling better.  …

Yes, I ate marshmallows with chocolate chips again…

Thought crossed mind at least twice that I could read other people’s posts to get mind of of self, but just want to wallow/deny/pass out.  Please?

Half-full, or Half Empty?

I want to think of today’s first few waking hours as being positive.  They were! – positive…

Always a qualifier… multiple qualifiers…

I overstayed… I commented that her mom seemed “stand-offish” – Not a great conversational lead-in…

Overconfidence that we know our subject well enough to “wing” our upcoming indexing presentation this Sunday, then fragile fear of wasting 60 or so people’s time by cavalierly not anticipating how to keep them engaged.

Before our meeting.  Stopped at a bank machine to withdraw $ to purchase the CINTIQ monitor later.  Withdrew a portion… let the next lady use the machine.  Withdrew another portion while the next lady in line ran off to check on children and a car alarm.

Still one more withdrawal to make when she returned to wait.  Guilt for still being there, but too impatient to step aside and wait again…  Mostly forgiving of self… I really was there first… She left and came back, sort of giving up her place in line, right?… I offered a semi-sincere “thank you” for her patience…

Buying the CINTIQ.  Surprised to find a woman, as the terseness of the text communications had had me expecting a male.

She thanked me for being so kind, as she had been nervous about bringing a stranger into her home.

I really would have loved for her to have dropped the price further, especially after letting her know that I was down to $66.00 in the bank…

Too “classy” to ask her outright.  She had been pretty firm in previous conversations on not going down further on price…

Visions of ice cream on the way home.

Too cheap to stop at Cherry on Top.

Ben & Jerry’s on sale.  Bought two.  Surprised at the lack of change.  Guess there were two different products of the same brand…

Returned the one that cost $6.50.  I could settle for the cheaper one.

Caramel cookie whatever was a disappointment.  Passed it on to daughter when I got home.

But… I did make chocolate chip cookies later… Regrettably another disappointment.  Not sure which factor affected them most.. Butter that had been out several times over the weekend?  The freshly oiled pan that I leave in the oven as a sort of baking stone? (the air stung my eyes upon opening the oven)…

Oh, I skipped the reason for wanting the cookies.  Besides the stress of planning a presentation, then paying big money (husband helped fund it – anniversary the excuse) for the CINTQ…

… Well, I knew I didn’t have the proper adapter to hook it to my new iMac, but I had an old PC with photoshop, that had the 10-pin port.  Total disappointment… No CINTIQ driver for Windows 4. whatever… Photoshop loaded super slowly, and the CINTIQ functioned about as well as a poor etch-a-sketch.

I knew almost immediately that there would be no happy resolution with that specific setup, but had to push on ’til I could literally taste the disappointment.

Unhooked it.  Finally bid adieu to at least that one old piece of junk (daughter took it out and left it to be rained on).  Haven’t at all given up on the CINTIQ, but willing to set it aside until I can afford a genuine adapter for the video port and a subscription to Creative Cloud.

Hoping to be able to sleep.

Sad.  Pretty sure I’ve made poor decisions.  Heart not turned outwards to helping others right now.

Fear I may allow obsessing on art to be excuse to hide from life… Not that I need it – watched 5 or 6 episodes of Lie to Me to escape reality… Yes, I’ve watched them all before.  No, I don’t really love it this time through…

Want?: To let go of blame and bitterness… to use my drive to declutter some – to sell a couple of sewing machines and maybe clear the house and afford the software as a bonus?

To be a nice person for my kids and grandkids.

 

Which of the myriad thoughts to hold onto long enough to actually express it here?

Want to begin journaling again… hesitant, though, with the realization of how fatigue seeps through and almost wilts what was, I believe, a mostly positive, productive day!

Best thing about today: Having all the kids show up to celebrate (belatedly) hanai son’s birthday.

Worst thing about today: Not really having anything prepared for him other than the meal…

Sad random thoughts:  Still uncomfortable at parties – attended graduation party last night for a boy in the ward.  I like the parents, I knew at least half the people there, and yet I was okay with my husband’s choice to sit outside.

Actually, I may have been happier had I gone inside.  As it was, people joined us and talked with us, commenting on our choice to be separate from the crowd.  People I consider to be friends, and, yet… I really have no patience for “chit-chat’…

I went inside to watch the slide show, then disappeared into a room to play piano until my husband was ready to leave.

The hostess sent home literally pans full of food with my daughter.  Never a thrill for me.

Husband called his Samoan friend to solidify Sunday dinner plans.  The friend’s plans had changed, and he ended up bringing his exhausted boys over to eat leftovers.

While here, the friend mentioned that the cousin caring for his mother-in-law’s home was locked out… an hour or so later, when we invited him to stay and sleep over (the boys were all asleep), he reminded us that the lady was probably sleeping in her car waiting for his return….         Big Oops!!

…Sort of wish I had the patience and clarity of mind to record in detail the type of conversations that occur when this friend visits.  Stories of the two of them as young missionaries just starting training… – feeling stared at by the palangi or haole (white) missionaries… – Wishing they could just slap them all…

… But all recalled and recounted in the spirit of good fun and fond memories…

The leftover party food came in handy again today.  We took it to a family whose mom is laid up.  They seemed grateful for the food, and I was oh-so-relieved to get it out of my own refrigerator!

…Church was a bit hard for me to process today.  It was nice… I believe I felt the Spirit quite steadily, and yet I still dealt with my own hang-ups.  I sang in the choir… tried to sing loudly because we are so small and quiet… and yet I doubted myself even as I sang…

I said the opening prayer for choir – just to expedite the process where they wait for volunteers…

Then my husband asked me to say the opening prayer for the Sacrament meeting.  I did… and, again, I doubted myself… Too wordy?  Too mushy?  Too pretentious?…But I tried to be sincere….

Long time members’ son reported on his mission today.  I didn’t have a lei. I almost never have a lei.

Old friends visiting from the Big Island.  Genuine hugs, but my ‘chit-chat’ factory failed again…

Got to comfort my granddaughter when she started crying in the nursery.  About time!  (Her mom gave birth last weekend… Grandma to the rescue!)

… P.M…

… I wasn’t happy with tonight’s spaghetti.  Tried to make canned sauce palatable…

Family Home Evening…

I was not very into it.  Happy to feed ice to grand baby.  Tried to ask husband a serious question later, about if he might have felt some spiritual guidance after a year as bishop (specific instances) that he could feel good about sharing with us…

I wasn’t trying to pick on him (at all! – genuine curiosity), but one son and one daughter each sort of jumped to his defense, saying how it might be private, or how it might just happen a little at a time…blah blah…

Kudos for wanting to protect Dad, but let him answer the question already!!!

Feel?… Sad that I can feel left out .  Kids playing cards in the other room.  Don’t really want to play cards, but I can hear the happy sounds.  Probably wouldn’t want to hear most of the conversations anyways.

Fear?  That this discontent might continue to dog me.  That the shooting twinges of pain in my shoulder/neck may be problematic (had to carry ALL the food in one trip)…that I may not sleep well tonight…

Want?.. Rest. Restoration.  Peace.  Clarity.  Resolution … (Am I going to actually get set up to attempt some graphic art again?)

… to be okay with Heavenly Father.  Have I doubted too strongly?  Have I been disrespectful?  Will he really forgive again and again?