Tues, Sept 22, 2015

Middle son’s birthday.

Hiding.

The Pretender non-stop.  Thought it was the last season and let myself…

No, wasn’t the last…

Turned blind eye to obviously unacceptable scenes… Justifying that it is, on the whole, much more positive than, say, the Blacklist or 24

Told myself that allowing self to watch all morning would leave me full of energy for prepping dinner tonight…

So far, looks like eye strain (from the All Words Up game and wind-carried allergens might be my next excuse.

Don’t know what is medicine and what is attitude.  Husband suggested I pull up a chair while he looked at daughter’s car…

My mental response was, “What?… Sit there and sit, go crazy with nothing to do?!”… No, bringing out beadwork didn’t sound good… perhaps because I have been so sedentary?

There are things I wish I could write and express that I am just trained/trained myself?… to not put on paper.

I guess the question is, is expressing my thoughts good, even if they are bad/private thoughts?  Or, like the secret combinations of old, are some emotions just meant to be suppressed and hopefully washed away in Christ?

A couple of things that have come up lately…

Young woman from church needing to find a babysitter for her little girl…

I mentioned to husband that, maybe, I could do it part time, but he pretty much said I’d just quit it like I do everything else….

I had convinced myself that, perhaps, since I feel close to the family, and since I don’t have any little ones vying for attention, I might be alright…

But, then, I had to admit that I really do tend to cancel most of my commitments…

I just wish he had a higher opinion of me than I have of myself, I guess.

 

Friday, Sept. 18, 2015 2 pm

T.V. episodes finally sounding too loud.  Tried to draw a little while waiting for daughter at eye doctor, but my brain started feeling woozy and thick again.

Luckily, not feeling like it will explode, or even like hyper-electric – just an insistent, solid mass of blocked sludge in my brain.  I can observe, but not think too hard or create…

My latest T.V. series has been The Pretender.  Comic-sounding characters / caricatures… Dramatic enough to never forget it is make believe…

Simple resolution to most plots… Someone feels better, and someone gets payback for evil…

..

One of my favorite themes – Genius experiences a bunch of different lifestyles and masters all sorts of arts and techniques….

Last night at a funeral, one of the sisters started listing off my “talents” to two teachers I had known at the elementary school:  I had a “beautiful voice,” I play piano… I could sew…

I found myself deflecting and praising the sister’s own piano skills… She really is concert trained (or, at least, that much better than I that it seems like it)…

…All the things I have “tried” to do, but still feel very inferior at…

Tonight is a ward party.  Want to go, but not sure how my nerves will fare. Mostly, just want to watch the boys perform – to see the results of whatever youngest son has been putting together with his music clips all week:)

 

Used my “secret Santa” assignment to obsess my way through Christmas

My hanai son had asked me to do a drawing of him and his fiancée, so when I drew her name for “secret Santa,” the solution was a no-brainer…image

The hours spent doing the drawing would compensate for lack of skill in choosing a gift, and the Christmas deadline would ensure that my son got his drawing before I die….

imageYes, I am happy with some aspects of the drawing.  No, not satisfied with multiple others…

image.png..But dropped all else, including all homemaking duties, …plus, headaches the whole weekend following Christmas, so it had to be finished.

It is finished.  And sprayed…And framed in a frame from Savers.

image

 

Monday, Sept 7, 2015 a.m. thru Wednesday, Sept 9, 9:30? a.m.

Thoughts are so random… Closing eyes and drifting off brings scenes from JAG or phrases with a British? accent…?….

Oh, yes…. the Obsessive-Compulsive Cleaners  episodes are British.

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Main feeling, lately, has been a mix of guilt and shame… Did I mention the cashier at Ross’ saying that I looked like I felt guilty for purchasing something “for yourself”? – I knew I was agitated, but had no idea I was so transparent.

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Last night, during family home evening, I felt like a hypocrite.  So many thoughts to offer, and yet I had been watching JAG again all afternoon, and we had recently had discussions and lessons on keeping the Sabbath Day holy…

My eldest sister and her husband called yesterday.  Tried to let me talk to my mom, but mom really had no clue what was happening…

Maybe her hearing has worsened?

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Ready to turn JAG back on… but this time I might skip to the end… My youngest daughter reminded me the other day that I had that option:)

Tuesday

Woke up feeling very tense and disappointed with self…

Doubling medicines, doubting self, wondering what exactly I red to repent of and why?… Asking Heavenly Father to take care of me because I felt I had no control over myself.

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I let prescriptions expire, and have responded to thoughts of making appointments with, “We have no money… We have no car…”

I know I can ask husband to leave the car at home…

I can do this…

Also, though, I’m pretty sure I set an appointment last year for this past August and missed it…

Wednesday

Goopey eyes/upper sinus pressure.

If I’m lucky, I will have a sudden urge to do something good.  If not, I’ll hold onto yesterday’s experience as a hope for the future…

Can’t even recall the preliminary emotions, other than remembering the “yuck” feeling of first waking with the same goop and pressure as today…

All I know, is that I decided to call a sister I visit teach in order to check on her…

The phone number kept reaching message, “Not configured to accept this call,” … So I went ahead and walked over to her house.

She actually answered the doorbell!

We must have talked for close to two hours…

She, like us, has had a series of car problems.  Also, she copes daily with complications from auto-immune suppressant she uses to prevent painful hives…

I was glad I went.  Now I need to be sure to check on her again before another eon goes by!

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I finished the Book of Mormon the other day, and have started over again.  The end is always so sad…

I was thinking, this morning, about how I don’t recall any other epic work that actually records the end of a civilization… i guess the siege of Troy, maybe?..

Still watching JAG, with a few Obsessive-Compulsive Cleaners episodes thrown in…

Did I mention that I went ahead and took my youngest daughter’s advice and jumped to the last episode?…

It does seem to have at least reduced the strength of the compulsion to watch non-stop to the end… It really helped with one episode, yesterday.

..Because, when a character almost died (got his leg blown off) … I knew he would survive..  He was in the final episode:)

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I watch these hoarding and obsessive/compulsive shows and see such huge results in just a few days…

Then I look around my own home…

Everything represents decisions… Do I keep the flashcards that have been scattered on the floor (Primerica)?…  Where do I put the piles of stuff from the dressers…

Business ventures we haven’t quite let go of 100%, … steamer parts husband “might” use to repair something in the future… A bucket of donation items that I dug into (I brought out a T–shirt to use as an make-shift pillowcase).

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Dust.  Pretty much every area.. I dusted last month (or, was it a few months ago?)…  All could use it again.

I faintly recall having experienced a state of mind where I was convinced I could do it all again, and again, and again…

..

Spray paint to mark trash bags? (saw it on an episode… “X” means toss)

 

 

Sat, Sep 5, 2015 8:00 pm, Sunday, Sept 6, 2015 1:00? am.

Very very antsy – actually trembling a bit..Could, possibly simply be the result of more continuous hours lying down watching episodes..(mostly JAG) but eldest daughter took her charger back, so I switched to O?C Cleaners (ipad/youtube).Husband came home and is looking for pro football games, so I finally came out from my room again, but kids still have Batman running full blast…

So hot!  Showered and dressed, but sweating again.  Impulse is to go back to room, get charger bac from daughter… but room is so hot, too… Maybe I’ll go shop for food for the weekend?

Sunday, Sept 6, 2015 1:00? am.

I had instances where I could see myself writing in here.  A dream, the morning of the temple – only the last few moments, when a young, intelligent man was arguing against religion – Then, as I responded, he started saying, “Yes, I see all that…. I just can’t get myself to accept so many things on faith…”  Somehow I ended up placing my palms on his temples and telling him earnestly, “You are thinking too much!”… and I moved my right hand to his chest…”You have to feel it here!”

Somewhere in there, I knew he had habits – like smoking, perhaps?… that would make it awkward for him…  Could I treat people like they belong at church, if they smell like tobacco smoke?…

I remember a speaker once saying how he wished the other kind of sins smelled… perhaps people would be more careful…

Checked my email… Had a response from my friend on Tuesday… Sad to know it has been nearly a week without me responding.

Thursday, Sept. 3, 2015 7:30 am

Dreams again before waking – not happy, but can’t recall any details…

Eldest son (just realized I am writing like I do on WordPress – leaving out names..) – Anyhow, he came in late last night with concerns about his younger brother.

Middle daughter was telling him about the brother spending time at a girl’s house, and eldest son has been letting the brother’s attitude at home get to him, too.

Eldest sont just just texted, asking if I could talk to the sister about it myself.  Told him I’d like to talk to his brother, first….

Husband texted a newspaper article mentioning middle son as competition for the long-snapper position.

Lighting is low – quite cloudy, but already warm.  Brain is sort of drifting off-line I’m going back to sleep (tired brain).. but body doesn’t feel sleepy.

Psych doctor went ahead and raised the Brintellix to 15mg… Hoping it helps get me out and about.  Confused right now, though… I usually take my Ritalin right after breakfast, but decided it was too early… Now I’m not entirely certain I didn’t take it yet…

Yesterday…

5:00 am took youngest daughter to her ride’s house.  …9:00 or so – ate, journal?… showered and took off to Psych appointment.  1+ hours at Savers…  only had $20.00, so genuine browsing other than the comforter covers I had actually come for…

A man showed me the features of an “as-new,” space-age looking portable gas grill.  His comment about how tempting it was, but no money… made me smile, since I say the same thing so often.

 

True to form, I pointed out that the semi-circularfoil drip-pan inserts would be hard to replace…  Another reminder of whyI’m not in sales…

Picked up husband.  Fingerprinting appointment for his life insurance license.  Then nearly 3 hours with his upline at the Primerica office. I’m officially signed up.  (no, the 3 hours weren’t spent recruiting me.. I’m just signing up so I can support husband… No way I’m recruiting and calling lists of people for sales…

Husband stopped at Times for chicken (and ice cream) – … Cooked dinner, watched JAG… Not sure where the $100.00 bill came from forTimes, but happy to be handed back $40.00 from his change…

No plans today other than tonight’s game.  Could wash bedding… could type latest entries… but don’t feel like I’ve even done enough to merit the time it would take… Almost antsy enough to actually “do” something…

Dreams – JAG type charactersbut not the main ones – more the official situations and manner of speech… “but rather the capacity…”

Short rain shower. Thunder rumbling nearby.  Smells – leftover aromas from last night’s chicken… or is it son heating up something and reactivating smells from spilled Teryaki sauce?… Or maybe a neighbor?  Odd time of day for such smells…

Looking at this old, heavy blue shower curtain… I didn’t have the heart to toss it when hanai son brought new ones from his girlfriend’s rejects (Hung it on top of other curtain above sliding glass door).. Is there enough yardage to re-cover the torn foam fold-out mattress?

… Is it possible?  Is it finally the right dosage of medicine, or simply the right time of the month?

… Actually energized enough to get up and sew something… Like I can function separately / autonomously from the low clouds and pushy thunder…

Please let it last more than a day!!!!

Thank you, Heavenly Father!…  And please let me not blame You when the enthusiasm wanes!!!

 

 

Wednesday, Sept 2, 2015 9:20 a.m.

Yesterday was another day spent mostly watching…   an episode of Obsessive-Complusive Cleaners, and then a whole bunch more JAG.

I do recall jumping up to go though some of my stack of “to do” items, and having the idea to make a sort of “task suggestion box” file – so that others might take interest in at least suggesting improvements for the house…

I wrote the idea of the suggestion box in its own single sheet of paper:)

The only thing that really pulled me out of my room was knowing I should eat lunch.

Eldest son and hanai son came home right about then, and offered to cook me lunch with theirs… That freed me up to clear out the dish racks and wipe the part of the counter around the toaster and mixer…

The boys turned on an NFL game… I went back to my room and turned on JAG.

Eldest daughter called a bit later, asking me to check on why traffic was so bad… I guess there was an oil spill from a tanker truck, and then a bunch of other, smaller collisions dotted around the island to share in the misery…

She had no AC in the car… I commiserated about the heat and immediately adopted that as my own rationale for remaining right where I was…  Husband would be stuck in the same traffic… boys had fallen asleep…

Good friend from church called at around 5 pm to tell me that her son had received his mission call and would open it at 7:30 at her husband’s office.  That meant I had more time to watch JAG.

No rush for dinner… it was too hot, and husband had eaten two bowls of ice cream (had mine earlier)… But I did get out there before my shower to start hamburger for tacos…

Turned off the burner when we left to join the mission-call party…

Another family was there – our families each have sons the same age – and they had there boy on Facetime during almost the entire time.  The host family had their older daughter via their computer, too (she is in Utah for school, while the boy mentioned is in California).  Grandparents were stuck in traffic, which allowed my late boys time to arrive…

“Nakagawa, Japan!” … (It was actually, Nogoya)… I had guessed Okinawa, just because I figured he would go to a Japanese speaking mission, and I had recently learned they spoke Japanese in Okinawa…:)

Lots of hugs…

Home, finish dinner (easy…) … more JAG… the latest episode was supposedly shot in Australia and featured topless beaches…. The main female character… and the accompanying jokes and comments…had me sincerely doubting the appropriateness of watching the remaining episodes…

No, it’s not the best ever series, but I have allowed myself to see it as a very long novel series and have consciously realized my intent to see it through to the end…

I wonder if it is still an active show?… in that case, there is no end…

Gotta shower and run.  Another psych appointment.  (So many now that I’m using samples!)

 

As far as I could make myself go..

imageActually nervous about posting again.  Not certain at all it is wise.  Gut says not.  Like I am giving in to a moral weakness…

Pretty sure it is because I know I have no intention of committing to regular check-ins again.

Remembering why I quit.

The act of slowing down for long enough to type it in makes it feel manufactured / fake / staged…

yes yes yes … Old rant…

Just wanted to post my drawing.  Display the end results and pretend the original is prettier than can be represented online:)

….

Went ahead and reviewed a few old posts. Maybe not as scary as I began to imagine?.. Hmmm

Tuesday, Oct 6, 2015 3:17 p.m.

Breaking from writing in paper journal first.  Actually, wrote a bit in journal, but too antsy to want to re-do it…

A bit panicky and scattered.  It is true that I have put most of my time into viewing television series, but there actually have been meaningful things in between, and I am afraid I might simply lose them as though they never happened…

Brintellix.

I believe I decided, this morning, that the tremors and racing heart indicate that I should stop taking it… then realized I should probably at least keep the doctor in the loop..

Wondered if I am close to my limits on covered psych visits… just call him and let him know, right?… Couldn’t find my phone..

Okay, just keep taking it until next scheduled visit…

My youngest son received his mission call to Eugene, Oregon!  We texted close friends to be there when he opened the letter, which was nice, but of course, this morning, I thought of several more people who would probably have really loved to have been informed and be there with us…

I had gotten it in my head that he would go to Africa – French speaking… so I was the queen of flops so far as excited responses go when he asked me exactly where I had grown up (yes, the area is within his mission boundaries).

Our church had its General Conference this past weekend, and our daughters challenged the family that evening to “ponderize” a scripture a week.  I chose Ether, 12:41:  And I would commend you to seek that Jesus, of whom the prophets and apostles have written, that the grace of God the Father, and also of the Lord Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost, which beareth record of them, be and abide with you forever.  Amen.”

I chose it because Moroni (or was it Mormon?), who was commenting on the record, had been left alone with the records, and mentioned how he had talked with Jesus face to face, and, here, was pretty much telling us we could have the same experience, or at least have the companionship of the Holy Ghost, which would be close to the same thing.

It has filled me with warmth each time I have read it.  Hoping it will help draw me back into life.

A few more minutes working on a drawing of the kids I started on youngest son’s birthday… here’s the latest:

image

He’s the one in diapers – just turned 18.